by Allie Moburg
The first step to conquering any foe is knowing what you are up against. The high school hallway provides many obstacles for the scholar on his or her way to class. In order to conquer the “hell”-way one must be able to recognize these obstacles.
Art by Allie Moburg.
The first, and probably most common, obstacle encountered is a group of hallway goers that I like to refer to as “Baywatch”-ers. Yes, every students’ favorite part of the hallway experience. “Baywatch”-ers are the hallway dwellers who seem to move in slow motion. Contrary to popular belief, moving slower does not always have the same effect as seen in ’90s lifeguard drama television. Rather than stares of admiration, “Baywatch”-ers receive glares of aggravation as students frantically try to scurry around in an attempt to get to class on time.
Another common hallway hindrance is a large group of people I have dubbed as “Locker Blockers.” These avaricious groups tend to gather in large clumps next to, you guessed it, lockers. This then creates a narrow wedge for fellow students to try and sidle their way past. Not only does this force peers to battle the wall as well as the oncoming traffic jam, but it prohibits others from getting to their lockers as well. It must be assumed these all-important conversations are truly life-changing.
Very similar to “Locker Blockers” are the “Muddlers.” “Muddlers” are known to simply gather right in the middle of the hallway. This is basically a way for a group to inadvertently say,”What we’re doing is more important than what everyone else is doing.” All other traffic is forced to adjust around this one group of people. Cases of “Muddlers” can also be smaller. This category could include a group of two who stop to discuss something or even one person who decides to wait in the middle of the hallway for another person. To me, “Muddlers” are those who create disorder in the flow of the hallway traffic. As Merriam-Webster Online maintains, to muddle is to mix confusedly or make a mess of.
Another obstacle Found in the hallway is a group of boys that every student will most likely encounter at some point. I have decided to call this group the “Rowdyruff Boys,” and yes, that is a ‘Powerpuff Girls’ reference Also, I’m sorry boys, but this obstacle, in my experience, is male dominated. If a pupil ever finds themselves in the hallway with a group of “Rowdyruff Boys,” beware because, this is probably the most dangerous hurdle a hallway goer will have to face.This group tends to be, as the name lends, well, rowdy. They push each other and generally just horse around seemingly oblivious to those around them. This group pays no attention to fellow students who, subsequently, receive more damage than the intended “victim.”
The final obstacle on my list is what I refer to as “Siamese Twins.” This is a little nickname for those couples in the hallway that are always touching. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly am not talking about every couple, just the ones that interrupt the daily commute to class for other students. An example of this is when a couple may decide to hold hands, but instead of walking close together they walk farther apart, thus creating an impenetrable link that is impossible for other students to get around if they’re in a hurry. Let’s be real. Couples tend to walk more leisurely than those flying solo, Now, that’s fine, but slow along with a chain of limbs stretching across a student’s path is not a recipe for getting to class on time. The other problematic situation that can pop up in the hallway does just that, it pops up out of nowhere. This situation is when a couple is walking in front of a bunch of people in the hallway and they stop, very abruptly, for a surprise PDA session. I don’t personally get bothered by PDA too much but, take my word for it, if you are walking too close and this happens the results tend to be very uncomfortable for most involved.
So, those were five common obstacles seen in the hallway. Watch for the obstacles the next time you find yourself sauntering through the halls and, here’s the big secret to conquering the hallway just try to avoid them. It seems pretty simple but, yes, just try to keep an obstacle-free route when walking to class. Do this and hopefully enjoy a foe-free frolic through the hallway.
Floyd Central Visionary 